September 20, 2019:
“You can’t expect me to know what’s wrong when you pride yourself on your fake smile”
I know what my tells are. I know how to suppress them. I know how to quiet myself and let it eat me up inside instead of letting it show outside. I show them when I really can’t do it anymore. Like a cry for help. Just less of a cry and more of a subtle falling apart.
Of course I pride myself on it. And of course it’s good. How would I be able to get through anything if everyone could just see that I would rather be gone? Classes, work, a cappella, research, friends, family. Everything’s functioning. Maybe not as amazing as someone not mentally falling apart. But functioning well enough. And most people have no idea that I’ve come home and cried every night this week. That I’ve had to drag myself out of bed every single morning.
April 16, 2021
I think it’s funny looking back on things I’ve written and had unfinished. I mean, how I was feeling was obviously not funny. I don’t have to mention who I’m quoting, but it’s obvious. And to my credit, I still have a pretty damn good fake smile. I mean my parents still don’t know it’s fake.
Someone just told me that my smile is contagious. My real smile.
I was fully just being a blob, in bed in pjs watching Lucifer, and all of a sudden I’m a queen with a contagious smile and I can’t stop smiling. A real smile. A full smile. The kind with my teeth and my cheeks hurt and I have to put my phone down cuz I’m like aaah fuck he’s too sweet and I dunno how to respond.
2019: he’s 24, I’m the first girl he’s actually officially going out with. But he’s an introvert so he “can’t flirt” and doesn’t know how to compliment me or actually hold a conversation for over 10 minutes and i feel needy and anxious and desperate. He has to decide he likes me.
Ok ya, I was an idiot.
2021: he’s 24, I’m the first girl he’s actually let himself like? He’s never gone past date two. He’s an introvert but he’s trying to open with me. He throws around compliments and sweetness in a way I’m not used to and I feel safe. He says he likes me.
I feel safe. I have a real smile. I blush and giggle.
“Don’t rush into this. Take your time to figure it out. Don’t project your past onto him”. I say it to myself. I hear it from my friends. And I’m trying to uphold it.
I didn’t intend for this to be a comparison. I really didn’t. I opened lappy to write about feeling safe and smiling and saw an incomplete piece about my fake smile and this just happened. And I can’t speak for how I’ll feel two years from now, but for now, this feels like a much stronger, safer and happier start than before.
And if you’re reading this, let’s not get a big head. We both know all the stuff I didn’t write ;)
